The road to ‘Bliss’…

I haven’t written in a while, mostly because I had no idea what to write. My blog so far, has mostly been about me battling my inner fat girl en route to the stage…

Been there…done that..

Since deciding not to compete, I felt a LOT lost. Didn’t know what to do with myself. Finally, after a few months and numerous battles with ‘fat girl’..I finally feel like I am in a good spot.

Competing was good for me, because it gave me a goal. A scary goal. With an A type personality, having a goal (for me) is a must….and unfortunately for me, it needs to be BIG and SCARY. I AM trying to find interim goals that are not so big and scary, but for now, my next scary goal is coming up in 4 weeks…stay tuned!

In the meantime, I continue to battle this inner fat girl, and try to understand why we battle so much. EVERY single day. Sometimes I can keep her in check, other times I feel very defeated by her. Whatever the reason, my challenge is to understand why and how I let her thrive sometimes, because it is just that. I LET her thrive….self-sabotage? Who knows…

‘Health and Fitness’ is not a destination…it’s a life long journey, with lots of ups and downs, peaks and valleys, and visits from ‘fat girl’. My job, is to enjoy the journey, learn the lessons that are being taught, and to keep moving forward. One step at a time.

End of this road….

I have decided to no longer compete.

While I am pretty sad about this, I am looking forward to all of the other things that are in store for me. Back in the fall, I came to this same conclusion, and then really pushed to try. Truth is, it’s too hard, and is causing me to LOSE balance, which is not at all what I want, or need.

Being a mom and a wife, and still trying to figure out ‘me’, takes a lot of time, and effort. Fitness is my lifestyle. Competing is a hobby. A hobby (in my humble opinion) should not be something that causes stress. Long and short of it? It was. So, I have decided to carve myself out another path.

I am sad, my life feels like it is shifting….and as we all know, change is both uncomfortable, and hard. I am no quitter. I will take all the challenges that come at me in stride.

Lots of emotion whirling around in my head, and in my heart, so for now, one day at a time.

What will I be when I grow up? Who knows…but the possibilities are endless 🙂

Ebb and Flow…Learning to be consistent. 23 weeks to go

I feel like every time I sit down to write, I want to say that there have been ups and downs….

Truth? There are. Always. One great day, one so-so day, one pretty crappy day. Sometimes related to the scale, sometimes related to my mood, some days related to nothing specific.

Consistency with diet has not been my strength in the past. I am learning through experience that consistency is key. The only thing that will work is to form good habits, and to stick with them. Day in, day out, week in, week out. Even when things seem tough, and you don’t ‘wanna’…keep going. Stick with the plan….

This time around feels NOTHING like the last time. I am not filled with as much anxiety, I think because I know what to expect. Somewhat.

I am trying as much as possible to keep up my intensity, and to keep challenging myself. My friends keep me honest, and where I cannot see myself clearly, they are my eyes. When I am feeling a little sorry for myself, they deliver a quick kick in the butt to keep me moving. The key for me, will be to keep moving. These last couple of weeks have reminded me of the importance of a good sleep and rest, the inaccuracy of the scale, and most importantly, that when you push yourself REALLY hard….you actually ‘don’t’ break :).

I’m loving every second of round 2. I am excited by the changes I can feel, and hopefully soon will be able to see. I realize that I will need to ‘Ebb and Flow’, and enjoy where I am in every passing moment. Every challenge will be met with a smile, the occasional tear, and you guessed it. Consistency.

23 weeks to the stage.

Staying inspired by setting mini goals….25 weeks to the stage.

It feels ridiculous to be counting down from this far…but I am determined this time around to do a long, slow prep…with as LITTLE pain as possible…

My last prep it took me to see pictures of myself at 12 weeks to behave. At 27 weeks, I decided this time, I was ready. It is going to be MUCH more gradual.

The last two weeks have brought ups and downs…I am still fighting with insecurity. Some days I feel really really strong, and that I can conquer the world, with my 5am crazy cardio sessions, and then killing it in the gym lifting heavy.

Other days I walked around like a zombie…barely able to put one foot in front of the other. This comes with the territory I guess…and being ‘inspired’ for 25 weeks is a LONG time let me tell you. The way I have decided to manage this, is to set ‘mini’ interim goals for myself.

My first mini goal is Jamaica. We are headed there in a few weeks for a wedding, and I told myself that I am going to be wearing a ridiculously teeny bikini… 🙂 this has kept me pretty on point with diet in the last 2 weeks. I even baked cookies with not so much as a lick of the batter, or bite of a single cookie.

Mini goal #2 is in July. I will be turning 40, and decided that I am going to do a photo shoot, hopefully in which I will be the fittest I have ever been.

My big goal for this year will be when I walk onto that stage in Hamilton, at the OPA Natural Provincials. I am working really hard, and plan on keeping up the intensity. I love a good challenge…

Until then, I am focusing on mini goal 1…and now off to find that ridiculous bikini. 🙂

I loved this post.

The Mental Edge

I’ve been practicing more and more  “leaning in” to my anxiety.

Using what I notice my body is conveying to me– the racing mind, lack of focus, tense shoulders, heavy sighs, and fidgitiness — as a signal to tune in to the feeling as opposed to galvanizing my energy to run away from it, I find I’m not less comfortable like you might think would occur. In fact, when I realize that I am the same as my experience (I am the anxiety), there is nothing to run away from.

When I do this I think of the saying,  “Wherever you go, there you are.” We suffer most when we attempt to push away from us what we are experiencing, right?

If we are our experience though, we are one with it. If we absorb our experience, we relieve ourselves of rigidity. If we refrain from building a wall that…

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Following my dreams…

Late last year, I decided that I wanted to compete again, and just could not find a way to make it fit into my family life. Having 3 children, a 9-5, and all other obligations that come with living a busy life made it feel impossible to fit it in. Not gonna lie, I was VERY disappointed. I think I was actually surprised at how disappointed I was.

Since then, a little time has passed, and with the support of my family, we decided that I should try. We ALL decided that I should try. Even with a husband, and 3 boys, it is important to live your dreams. Life is enhanced by all of the experiences we have, and the goals that we set for OURSELVES. Family still does, and will always come first, but I am finding that fitting time in for myself and my dreams makes me a better wife, a better mother, and just a better me. I feel like I have renewed energy. I think we all have one shot in life at doing what we truly love. Finding the time to do and live what you really love takes dedication, determination, flexibility and patience.

It feels different this time. I’m not sure how, and I’m not sure why. Many of my experiences are the same, yet the feeling in my body, is different. Adjusting to my new coach, settling into a new routine and busting my ass at the gym. Not that I don’t usually, but having some interim goals before I compete on September 14 in Hamilton, are keeping me pretty focused. Being my ‘fittest at 40’ my first goal…

The beginning is the hard part. Letting go of my ‘comfort’ and learning to TRUST. Trusting the process, trusting my coach and trusting myself.

Competing for me is more than just about bringing home a big trophy (though, 🙂 I do love a big trophy). Competing. Training is hard. The diet is hard. You work hard. Your mind body and soul are tested. But at the end, the sense of accomplishment for me, is exhilarating.

Ready for the ride?

I am.

27 weeks to go 

Knightboysmom's Blog

Dear Dad,

Tomorrow will be 3 years since God made you an angel…not a day goes by that I do not think of you. I think of you whenever I walk by our piano and hear the beautiful music your grandson plays us almost nightly…I see your smiling face in Isaiah’s eyes, and hear you whenever he tells a joke, very reminiscent to ones you would tell.  I see you in the shape of Kaeden’s hands, feet and face, and in his spirit. I miss you so much, it still hurts so deeply in my very soul…

I miss how wise you are, how calm you made me feel inside, the warmth of your kindness. I miss our heated religious debates, and your view of the world. Mostly, I miss how your hugs would automatically make everything better.

Whenever Kai plays the piano, I remind him how special his gift…

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Enjoying every single ‘Today’….and wine :)

When I decided not to compete, I was pretty wrecked. But I know that my family has to come first right now. There were tears, and to be honest, for a brief minute I felt like a failure, and then realized that there must be something better waiting for me.

Since deciding not to compete, so many opportunities to live a FUN and active life with my friends and family have presented themselves. Two I am most excited about so far are Wine club, I’m a red wine enthusiast 😉 and playing in a weekly soccer scrimmage with my two youngest boys and hubby..I haven’t played soccer in over 5 years, so it will be a RIOT, guaranteed laughter, a great workout, and proper focus on my not so little family.

This year ‘feels’ different. I believe that there is a lesson in every opportunity, an open door after every one that closes.

This year I will embrace every challenge and scary opportunity that comes my way with my family and true friends closely surrounding me. Looking forward to every minute and truly enjoying every single ‘today’.

Changing directions…the continuation of a journey…and yes..chocolate. :)

I haven’t said it out loud here, because I didn’t want to. It was scary. But for many reasons, I have decided not to compete. This year. I guess as time progresses, I will re-evaluate and decide. Since deciding not to compete, I had a period where I felt very lost, sort of like I had no direction, no purpose. Competing (for me) maybe because it was my first one, but it took a LOT of focus. In fact, it was the only thing I focused on for 12 weeks. When you have a family with 3 boys, and a hubby, 12 weeks is a LONG time. Anyways, I decided that this year I would change directions.

I am (admittedly) an all or nothing girl. I give 110% to everything I set out to do…which is both good and bad. I continuously work on trying to find middle ground…which is what I am trying to do this year…trying to keep the pendulum from swinging too far on both ends. I decided that this year, I am going to play, both with my friends, and with my family. Which means doing FUN, active things. I decided (and this is a biggie) that I am NOT going to diet. I am going to eat to fuel my body, AND my soul. YES. I said I am going to eat emotionally. I am going to eat chocolate, and drink wine, and eat birthday cake.

I am going to PUSH myself out of my comfort zone, and I am going to work REALLY, REALLY hard, professionally, and push myself really REALLY hard physically. Every workout will count. I will be present with my family, which means a LOT less iPhone time, a lot less Facebook and Twitter time…and another biggie, I am going to SLEEP. I have a lot of trouble in this area. I can always find something to do instead of getting to bed…but sleep is important. I am less tired, when I sleep (of course) but it makes for more energy at the gym…I am eating a LOT more, which ALSO makes for more energy and better training sessions. This is scary for me, because I do not know how my body will adjust. But I will trust that eating (mostly) clean, training dirty, and caring for my soul, will translate into a strong, toned body, inside and out.

I intend to be the best ‘ME’ ever this year….which includes eating chocolate. 🙂

Quiet and Balance.

Switching focus this year. While I accomplished a lot last year, I found that there was and is a lot of ‘noise’….a Twitter friend had posted that they have a word for every year, and a theme song..(which I love). I can’t think of a theme song, but I can definitely think of a word…I keep coming back to the words ‘Quiet’ and ‘Balance’. So I will have two words….

There is so much out there that makes us feel pressured into a certain ‘ideal’, which for me, caused me to lose focus, and balance. So this year, my plan is to work on those things, and to be a little more balanced in my approach to life.

This year I will try to drown our the noise, and when I make decisions, I am going to think if my choice is one that will promote balance.

Do you have a word or a theme song? Would love to hear it….